So sad I know, but I'm a artist a writer and your all around introvert.


My life chaos, am I bugged? Yes. Can I do anything about it? Not really. So I release my tension through the novel sized journals. I'm sorry, I know I complain and I whine and I am getting on a few nerves, but this is me right now and if you cant take it well then go, just go.

All I do know is I am meant for greatness, somewhere and it is just worth the wait in the end. I know I can be happy and my time in the sun will be someday, SOMEDAY. I just know it's not now, and in the midst of my ups my downs my stresses and my worries there is strength there has to be or else I wouldn't make it. And thank God for children, I swear I wouldn't have made it as far as I have without my child Mariel. She is without a doubt my vacation from the stress of life, and though it is NOT the terrible twos but the trying threes (or the horrible threes) but either way she is still able to make me smile and be truly happy.

Not that my friends and family aren't able to help me be happy, they do it is just different, and I suppose you have to be a parent to truly understand that. I'm grateful for my friends and my family, for the fact they are even willing to put up with myself. I know I speak a lot on this divorce, but really unless you've gone through one you will never understand how bad it is on your emotions. ESPECIALLY when a child is thrown up in the mix. I mean my father went through a divorce before he met my mom and it was a clean break because no children were involved but there was a lot of emotion from what I heard married a whole year and she just up and left without word, you cant tell me a person wouldn't feel anything. But I think that is one reason why my dad just lets me be until I come to him seeking advice, my mom doesnt understand and so it is very much different. But there are times when my father is hard on me, its because he understands the divorce part but his was clean break, no children involved and I think he forgets what it is like.

People will tell me (my father included) that I am using Scott as baggage and just need to move on. They don't realize though that I in a sense have moved on, I am just trying to protect my chick so to speak. When I talk about who I found out Scott's latest fling is, it is not because I'm the psychotic ex that just cant move on, it is because it effects my child, and when it does it becomes my buisness. If I'd gone through the divorce without a child, I wouldn't care who he dates or such, but because she is in the mess of it I have to be concerned. I want to make sure that the girl he is with is treating my kiddo nicely, because you never know if that person is going to be in it for the long hall. Right now he's got this girl moved in, it's a shame he hasn't decided to guard Mariel's heart from his dates, I know that if I ever date again the man she meets is the man who will be the person I am marrying. I just think he's screwing her up by carelessly dating. Emily the woman he cheated with me on was well moved in, caused Mariel to be confused and a bit angry with her and then they broke up, now its Chelsea all moved in, what is this going to show Mariel....that her father cant be trusted and if she cant trust her daddy then what man can she trust.


SO Scott is not my baggage its me being a good parent...one of us has to be I mean Scott loves Mariel he plays well with her, and I'm sure he does punish Mariel too, but he just is not thinking of our child's stability, but being selfish minded. It's all frustrating really, but I do know that God has his hand on things and that I need to start trusting in that more and worrying less. Ah well don't worry about me I am ok folks, I will make it I have to. If anything I just need to enjoy motherhood and find my outlets so the stress doesnt overwhelm me. I do thank the friends who have been there strongly for me and prayed for me and put up with my rollercoaster nature. May God bless each and every one of you. Well this has gone long enough I hope all of you have a great day.


In him,

Steph